So I'm in my final week or so of the quarter and am feeling the angst 105%. Good god!!! After a 14 hour homework day I am ready to throw in the towel, but the scary thing is there is this energy that I have buzzing through my veins. This energy wants to keep going, wants to complete assignments, write papers and arts statements, create more websites, do more research and go all the way. Unfortunately, this energy, this spark doesn't realize that I must have sleep so I can go to work tomorrow!
But I push on, the world goes on, life goes on, I continue to breathe, water flows, wind blows and everything else moves along just as it should. It is satisfying in a way and also desperately sad. I sit here all day working on school, uploading my facebook status, chatting with friends. Meanwhile, my 90 year old grandfather sits in bed dying of lung cancer, waiting for the "god lord" to take him. My mother called today to let me know that, according to the hospice nurse, he will probably pass this week. My eyes overflow at this point because I do not know how to contain it. This feeling that I have, this feeling of sadness.
I have put everything into these past three years of grad school, of work, of my life. These past three years have changed me in from the core. I am confident in myself. I know and claim to be an artist. I have a heathly career. I can take care of myself, yet know how to ask for help. I have a supportive and loving group of friends and family by my side. I know all this to be true at the culmination of my graduation and the truth that I might not celebrate it with my collegues, here in Oakland, with my friends makes me sad. Sad not only that I might lose my grandfather and must morn his death during that time, but also sad that I might not get the chance to celebrate my transformation, my success, my Self.
No comments:
Post a Comment